Insecurity that would hold me back from trying new things or giving my all on the court = fear of failure.
Sticking to friends who already knew me because I was sure that new people wouldn't like me or find me cool enough = fear of rejection.
Not volunteering to help in situations where I may have been able to contribute something valuable = fear of disappointing others.
But, I've taken baby steps.
Running the marathon was a BIG deal for me because I had to put many fears aside in order to do it. I had feared that I wouldn't finish, that I'd look ridiculous, that I'd get injured and in doing so, disappoint all who came to cheer me on. But, mainly I feared proving all of my self-doubt right, that I would inevitably fail.
I certainly didn't have an outstanding finish time, but all things considered, I rocked that marathon.
In my life, I usually go one of two ways: either I let insecurities stop me from doing little things or I attack big things head on.
Things that were a big deal to me were things that I could somehow run at full steam.
On the other hand, if something could be considered small or not a big deal, I could justify brushing it off and not trying because it didn't really matter.
The problem with that was that I was getting myself into the habit of letting fear and insecurity win because I was getting used to giving up on lots of little things every day.
I know this sounds weird, but here's an example. I enjoyed singing on the worship team at our church of over a thousand people where I would be singing into a microphone or have solos, duets, whatever but the idea of being in the choir freaked me out. I don't know why... don't ask.
But, it feels like my fears are a lot more obvious now.
After everything with the Little Miss, I fear being pregnant again.
Since the accident, I've begun having panic attacks.
I've never had them before. They are paralyzing.
Here's the thing, I got injured 2 weeks before my marathon and still ran it. I was told I was miscarrying my daughter and now she is an awesome 2 year old (yes, she has seizures, but so far they aren't hurting her). While driving our truck, I slid off a mountain cliff and rolled the truck down the side of the mountain and walked away. God has blessed me. That is not in question. He has VERY OBVIOUSLY ordained these situations and kept us safe through them.
My problem is that I can't figure it out.
Why didn't that injury stop me from running?
Why do so many women miscarry and my body went through everything that it should have during a miscarriage, but I have my daughter?
Why, when all of the emergency responders tell me that normally they are extracting a body from an accident like that, did I get to walk away scratch free?
I know it seems twisted to think that way, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around these things.
Isn't that the point?
To admit that we're human, that we haven't yet arrived, that we don't understand it all?
God knows I'm a work in progress.
He knows that sometimes I am weak.
Sometimes I give into temptation.
Sometimes I doubt, and fear, and fail.
And that's ok.
It's in these moments that He gets the opportunity to show up and remind me that He is sufficient, that He is all I need.
It's not easy to trust Him.
In fact, it's terrifying.
But that doesn't mean it's not worth it.
In The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (the book, not the movie), Lucy and Mr. Beaver are talking about Aslan (who is of course a metaphor for God):
"Is he - quite safe?" - Susan
"Safe?... 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you." - Mr. Beaver
I need to wrap my brain around this. I'm not naive. I know life is going to be full of struggles and hardships, joy and pain, fun and challenges, happiness and grief.
So, I think it comes down to how I want to approach each of these situations.
God is going to let happen to us whatever He chooses. He will allow things that will contribute to His purposes and glory.
I need to decide if He and I are on the same team.
Will I embrace each difficult circumstance with a willingness to rejoice no matter what or will I stiffen up and put up my defenses because I don't want to go through it?
I need to rely on Him to even help me trust Him, to keep me focused on Him. When left to myself, I doubt and question and get distracted.
I want to focus on Him because at the end of my life I would rather say that even though I did not always understand the details of the storyline, God is still the best author.
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I sincerely hope that by walking with me on this journey, you find hope.
Hope in the fact that you don't have to have all of this mastered yet.
It's ok to still be a work in progress.